NOTES: This fic takes place *during* canon. Also, the kiss mentioned is canon. And that's all I'm gonna say. ^_^

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I figured that it wouldn't matter. I was saying goodbye to him once and for all. For his own good of course. If I kissed him now, it wouldn't matter. I had nothing left to lose.

Which is why I was so surprised when he kissed back.

The moment was as horrible as it was wonderful. For just a moment I tasted heaven. I realized that maybe I had been mistaken. Maybe if I had tried, come out and said something, it could have worked out. But I hadn't, and now it was too late.

I was so afraid for him. Afraid for both of us. I remember clutching at him, trying in some insignificant way to prevent the inevitable. But of course we were torn apart, and my time, our time, had run out.

I thought that what I was doing would save us both, that it would be better this way. Truly, I never wanted things to turn out the way they did. If I had known how much I would hurt him, I would have stopped this whole thing before it started. But it seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

I never wanted to hurt him. I love him. It took me a while to admit that to myself, but I can do it now. I love him. I'm in love with him. I know that I care about him more than any of the others, even more than that silly girl. And he knew. If not before I kissed him, then at least afterward. That's part of what bothers me; the thought that he might have known all along. He knew, and he never even HINTED at it to me. Instead he let me pine away for him.

If I believed in destiny, I might almost think that he didn't want me to get attached.

I will never be able to make up for what I did to him. Never. Nothing can atone for this. I don't deserve life. Not to mention their reactions. If they ever found me again, I'm sure they'd kill me. There are at least one or two of them that are bloodthirsty enough to do it. They would never stoop to killing me when he was around. Some of them wanted to, but they would never do it out of deference to him. Now that he's gone...

Now that he's gone, there's nothing left here for me. There's no reason why anyone should want me here, no purpose in my staying. I do not deserve life.